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Please critique my story?
Carter Atkins reclined in the lounge chair, running his fingers on Savannah's leg. She giggled, but felt a little bit uncomfortable. She didn't want to sound like a prude, but it was hard to get used to him touching her suggestively. She liked it, but it was still awkward. Carter stared at Savannah's beautiful face. Just a month ago he was taking her to Homecoming, now he was her boyfriend. Reese McKinley and Elisha Carpenter jumped into Andy's grotto pool, splashing water onto Carter and Savannah. The fresh coolness of the water relaxed Carter. It was a perfect day to go swimming. Even though it was October 15, it still felt like summer. He stared at Savannah's perfect body in a white bikini with cherries on it. Her eyes were shielded with her favorite Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses, that she had gotten from her step-dad because they were given to him at his job, and her feet were clad in sandals. He leaned over and kissed the part of the cheek where her beauty mark was located. She smiled warmly at him, lifting up her shades to reveal her blackish-brown eyes. They were soulful to look at. He climbed in the chair next to her, putting his hand on her torso and stroking it. Savannah was beautiful inside and out. She always knew how to put a smile on someone's face. Even when she was shy at times she was still able to perk up. It was beginning to be around that time when the days were getting shorter. It was 6:35 and the sky was getting darker. It was still bright out, but not as bright as before. His best friend Andy came out with a bottle of limeade and six plastic solo cups stacked together. He poured one for Savannah first, handing it to her. She thanked him and took a sip from it. He then handed one to Carter, who took a longer sip. "What's everyone doing?" he asked, looking at Carter, Savannah, and Holly Drake sitting in the lounge chairs. "What does it look like we're doing, asshole?" teased Holly, reading the new Gossip girl book. "It looks like your fat-ass is wilting away." he teased back. Carter laughed exuberantly. Holly wasn't fat. She was five-four and had tiny feet. "Why don't you guys come in?" offered Elisha, beckoning them to jump into the pool. Savannah shook her hair. "My hair will get messed up." "I just don't feel like it." Holly said honestly. Andy walked over to where his dog was and started rubbing it's belly. Buzz growled lowly, trying to lick Andy. But when it saw Savannah, it's eyes lit up. He ran over to her, jumping on top of her. Savannah laughed, rough-housing with the dog. Carter enjoyed dogs and was sad that his sixteen year old Golden Retriever was about to die. He rubbed the dog's white fur. "There's this new kid named Max." said Reese, emerging from the pool. "I just found out he's gay." "I know," said Andy. "I would have never guessed." They were talking about a guy in their grade named Max Quintanilla. He looked pretty normal the first day, but as the days started going by, he started acting more over the top. Carter was okay with him, but he thought he was a little weird. Not because he was gay, but because he stereotyped himself. "I thought he was cute." Holly admitted. "I was so disappointed." "Yeah, he's in my English class." nodded Savannah. "I introduced myself to him. He's so sweet." Savannah loved new classmates because it meant new friends. "Maybe I should try homosexuality." Holly said, pretending like she was kissing Savannah. "Gross!" Savannah laughed, sputtering. "That would have been hot if you two really did it." Andy said, disappointed that they didn't kiss. "Yeah, I think it's hot when girls kiss." admitted Carter. "I don't." said Savannah. "I think it's sweet when two lesbians kiss. It's beautiful how two people of the same sex love each other." "I agree." said Elisha. Savannah smiled. "I remember being in Seattle and seeing my mom's friend, Josh, kissing another man at his wedding. I thought it was nice how they loved each other." Carter and Andy looked at each other and started laughing. They playfully slapped each other, doubling over in laughter. "I don't get it." she said, furrowing her arched eyebrows. "What's so funny?" "You saying how you saw two guys kissing!" exclaimed Andy. "That's so weird!" He laughed again, nudging Carter hard on the shoulders. "But you just said it's cool for girls to kiss." said Savannah. "What's wrong with guy's kissing?" "Keyword, Vanny!" continued Andy. "They're guys!" Savannah now understood why they were laughing. They were doing a double standard. It was okay for girls to kiss, but not guys? She hated the media. "You two suck." she muttered under her breath. She hated when people did things like this. She remember when she was in the six grade watching something about Ellen Degenerous and a girl made a remark about her being a "lesbo". Savannah was so angry at the girl that she kicked her and ended up getting sent to the office. Savannah once called a boy "gay" as a joke, but the teacher got mad and told her it was wrong to make fun of someone for being gay. That it was sexual harassment.Ever since then, she had been yelling at kids who made gay slurs. "I'm sorry, Savannah." Carter tried, leaning over to kiss her. "No," Savannah said, scooting over. "I'm black, you're white. It's weird for us to kiss." Just then Andy's mother, Arlene, came in. She had long black hair and caramel eyes. Savannah could see where Andy got his looks from. Only his skin was a warm honey color and hers was pale. "Andy," said, putting her hands on her hips. "Who ordered all those porn videos on demand?" Andy shrugged. "I dunno." She laughed. "You're grounded." "But I didn't do it!" "Say goodbye to your friends." said Arlene, smiling at the five kids. "Tell them goodbye." Savannah laughed to herself. Serves you right.

I really liked it. Aside from a few minor errors that you could find by reading it out loud to yourself it was good. I obviously have no clue what the plot is but your good with descriptions though I would have liked to know a bit more about what the characters looked like. I think that if you have a good plot and you keep writing like this than it will end up a really good book.
GothicAngel  |  Read more

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Opinions for story I'm writing?
Carter Atkins reclined in the lounge chair, running his fingers on Savannah's leg. She giggled, but felt a little bit uncomfortable. She didn't want to sound like a prude, but it was hard to get used to him touching her suggestively. She liked it, but it was still awkward. Carter stared at Savannah's beautiful face. Just a month ago he was taking her to Homecoming, now he was her boyfriend. Reese McKinley and Elisha Carpenter jumped into Andy's grotto pool, splashing water onto Carter and Savannah. The fresh coolness of the water relaxed Carter. It was a perfect day to go swimming. Even though it was October 15, it still felt like summer. He stared at Savannah's perfect body in a white bikini with cherries on it. Her eyes were shielded with her favorite Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses, that she had gotten from her step-dad because they were given to him at his job, and her feet were clad in sandals. He leaned over and kissed the part of the cheek where her beauty mark was located. She smiled warmly at him, lifting up her shades to reveal her blackish-brown eyes. They were soulful to look at. He climbed in the chair next to her, putting his hand on her torso and stroking it. Savannah was beautiful inside and out. She always knew how to put a smile on someone's face. Even when she was shy at times she was still able to perk up. It was beginning to be around that time when the days were getting shorter. It was 6:35 and the sky was getting darker. It was still bright out, but not as bright as before. His best friend Andy came out with a bottle of limeade and six plastic solo cups stacked together. He poured one for Savannah first, handing it to her. She thanked him and took a sip from it. He then handed one to Carter, who took a longer sip. "What's everyone doing?" he asked, looking at Carter, Savannah, and Holly Drake sitting in the lounge chairs. "What does it look like we're doing, asshole?" teased Holly, reading the new Gossip girl book. "It looks like your fat-ass is wilting away." he teased back. Carter laughed exuberantly. Holly wasn't fat. She was five-four and had tiny feet. "Why don't you guys come in?" offered Elisha, beckoning them to jump into the pool. "The Spectacular Six must all unite!" Savannah shook her hair. "My hair will get messed up." "I just don't feel like it." Holly said honestly. Andy walked over to where his dog was and started rubbing it's belly. Buzz growled lowly, trying to lick Andy. But when it saw Savannah, it's eyes lit up. He ran over to her, jumping on top of her. Savannah laughed, rough-housing with the dog. Carter enjoyed dogs and was sad that his sixteen year old Golden Retriever was about to die. He rubbed the dog's white fur. "There's this new kid named Max." said Reese, emerging from the pool. "I just found out he's gay." "I know," said Andy. "I would have never guessed." They were talking about a guy in their grade named Max Quintanilla. He looked pretty normal the first day, but as the days started going by, he started acting more over the top. Carter was okay with him, but he thought he was a little weird. Not because he was gay, but because he stereotyped himself. "I thought he was cute." Holly admitted. "I was so disappointed." "Yeah, he's in my English class." nodded Savannah. "I introduced myself to him. He's so sweet." Savannah loved new classmates because it meant new friends. "Maybe I should try homosexuality." Holly said, pretending like she was kissing Savannah. "Gross!" Savannah laughed, sputtering. "That would have been hot if you two really did it." Andy said, disappointed that they didn't kiss. "Yeah, I think it's hot when girls kiss." admitted Carter. "I don't." said Savannah. "I think it's sweet when two lesbians kiss. It's beautiful how two people of the same sex love each other." "I agree." said Elisha. Savannah smiled. "I remember being in Seattle and seeing my mom's friend, Josh, kissing another man at his wedding. I thought it was nice how they loved each other." Carter and Andy looked at each other and started laughing. They playfully slapped each other on the back, doubling over in laughter. "I don't get it." she said, furrowing her arched eyebrows. "What's so funny?" "You saying how you saw two guys kissing!" exclaimed Andy. "That's so weird!" He laughed again, nudging Carter hard on the shoulders. "But you just said it's cool for girls to kiss." said Savannah. "What's wrong with guy's kissing?" "Keyword, Vanny!" continued Andy. "They're guys!" Savannah now understood why they were laughing. They were doing a double standard. It was okay for girls to kiss, but not guys? She hated the media. "You two suck." she muttered under her breath. She hated when people did things like this. She remember when she was in the six grade watching something about Ellen DeGeneres and a girl made a remark about her being a "lesbo". Savannah was so angry at the girl that she kicked her and ended up getting sent to the office. Savannah once called a boy "gay" as a joke, but the teacher got mad and told her it was wrong to make fun of someone for being gay. That it was sexual harassment. Ever since then, she had been yelling at kids who made gay slurs. "I'm sorry, Savannah." Carter tried, leaning over to kiss her. "No," Savannah said, scooting over. "I'm black, you're white. It's weird for us to kiss." Just then Andy's mother, Arlene, came in. She had long black hair and caramel eyes. Savannah could see where Andy got his looks from. Only his skin was a warm honey color and hers was pale. "Andy," said, putting her hands on her hips. "Who ordered all those porn videos on demand?" Andy shrugged. "I dunno." She laughed. "You're grounded." "But I didn't do it!" "Say goodbye to your friends." said Arlene, smiling at the five kids. "Tell them goodbye." Savannah laughed to herself. Serves you right.

Interesting. It was good, and you can write, but nothing extremely hooking going on. Though I do think Savannah is an interesting character, readers don't exactly love it when their main focus character is absolutely perfect. So, you know, you may want to add some kind of flaw. Besides that, keep writing, I'd like to see where this story goes.
♥  |  Read more

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What would you grade this essay?
This is an essay about someones life goals and how they will reach them. I consider goals a necessity for success in one’s life. How will you ever obtain success if you have nothing to reach for? I believe goals should be set high so you have something really worth trying to reach. If you set goals low and easily reach them then you haven’t accomplished anything remotely close to what I call success. I have high standards for the life I want to live, so of course I have high goals to go along with it. I’ve set many goals for my life, perhaps even too many. The life I dream of isn’t one the average person can get a hold of. I’m good at getting what I want from my parents, however this life isn’t something they cant simply buy me. It requires hard work, dedication, perseverance, and most of all money and I’m the only person who can make it happen. The most important goal is one I’ve had in my mind since I was a little girl, to live in a big house right on the beach. Everything about the seaside attracts me, the white sand, the blue water, the smell of salt in the air, and the sound of the waves crashing. I adore the relaxing atmosphere the beach gives off. To think about sitting on the back porch facing the ocean with a Vogue magazine in my hands makes me happier that anyone could imagine. This may sound superficial, but I love money. More specific, I love being able to buy anything I could ever want and obviously that requires a great deal of money. The idea of going out shopping in New York City and bringing home a Chanel necklace, a Louis Vuitton purse, and a pair of Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses sends shivers down my spine. In order to buy these accessories I need a high-end job so I can afford them. Fashion has always been in my heart and an extremely big part of my life so I couldn’t think of a better job than one that deals with fashion. This is the toughest goal because I’m not entirely sure which route I want to go in the fashion industry. My first thought was a runway model, however being that skinny is slightly repulsing so I ruled that out. Then I considered a fashion designer, but I’m not creative enough to design clothes that people would actually wear. What I am good at though is putting together outfits from various articles of clothing and turning it into something great. Like nearly every other girl out there I want to find the perfect guy for me, fall in love, and have a dream wedding in a huge church in New York City. There’s not really a right way to go about obtaining this goal, so I’m not sure how I’ll succeed at this one. God is the only one who can help me to achieve it. He’ll bring me to that perfect guy or He’ll bring him to me. Either way I’ll be happy. As you can see, I have some far-fetched goals that will take nothing but dedication to attain. I’m going to have to work hard and keep these goals in my mind at all times so when I feel like giving up, I can think of the future I could potentially have and keep on going strong. The long road towards my goals starts now. I may not be able to get a job in the fashion industry right now or search for my perfect beach house but I can work on the little things like staying in school and getting good grades, the first steps to my perfect life. PLEASE NOTE: THESE ARE NOT MY FEELINGS SO DONT CALL ME SUPERFICIAL OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. Thanks (:

I give you an A. :D
Sam  |  Read more

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Do you like the preface of my book?
I am only 13, so be aware there may be a few mistakes...Chapter One Jackson, a small suburban town outside of New York City, was the most dangerous jungle any biologist would ever dare venture into. Of course, Jackson was not a jungle, but for some, it did seem that way. You know that girl; the girl who wants to be the best wherever she goes. Well, that girl would never survive in Jackson. Jackson is filled with rich, snotty, conceited, Dolce and Gabbana-wearing girls. And those were only the commoners of Jackson. Your basic upper-class girl would be holding a Hermes bag in one hand, Prada sunglasses, and an Haute Couture dress. Next to her, would be her daughter wearing a Burberry dress and a Tiffany’s necklace that was way too long for a four year old. Jackson Jr. High, however, was filled with Juicy Couture wearing blondes. They were still able to wear jeans to school without it looking cheap. The queen of Jackson Jr. High was Valerie. Valerie. She was perfect in every way. Her white-blonde hair reached a few inches below her shoulder. She looked good, even when she doubted herself. Everyone loved her, and looked up to her in such a way, she was almost a religious figure at Jackson Jr. High. She was the kind of girl you had to like, whether you’ve talked to her or not. Everybody wanted to be Valerie’s friend. Few fulfilled this wish, though many tried. Valerie’s best friends were Danielle, a spunky, down to earth, soccer playing brunette, and Skylar. Skylar had always wanted to be an actress. She had been in fifteen local plays, and starred in every school play. Though Skylar spent most of her time auditioning for commercials, memorizing her lines, and drinking water to keep her voice clear, she still had time to spend with Valerie. Danielle and Skylar were the ones who knew Valerie’s secrets, even the juiciest ones that were going to come back to haunt them. Valerie spent a lot of her time at soccer practice. There, she would meet up with Danielle. She and Danielle were the best players on their middle school team, who both played mainly offence. Danielle wasn’t the smartest girl out there, but she was depending on a soccer scholarship to get her somewhere in life. She really was Valerie’s best friend, though Skylar thought she had that title in the bag. Things were going great as seventh grade year ended. Valerie had the perfect boyfriend, Danielle had some time to rest from soccer, and Skylar had her very first commercial appearance. But something happened that summer. It was one of the hottest summers in Jackson, and after going to the local pool, Danielle, Valerie, and Skylar were ready to go to Valerie’s house and relax. After an eight minute car ride in Valerie’s mom’s black Lexus (it still had that new car smell) the three girls rushed up to Valerie’s bedroom. There were school pictures, magazine covers and cutouts, stickers, and Juicy Couture bags pinned up on Valerie’s bedroom walls. They dried off, and then started trying on Valerie’s clothes that she had gotten at the mall the other day. Skylar’s phone had rang five times while she picked out a pair of jeans from Valerie’s walk in closet that was so full, you could hardly take a shirt from the closet without everything else falling down. “Skylar!” Valerie said, opening the door to her closet a few inches. “Your phone is ringing!” Skylar screamed. “Hey! I just picked out a pair of jeans.” She held out a pair of distressed MEKs. “You like?” Skylar giggled, and started to take off her boot-cut Luckys. Valerie immediately slammed her closet door shut. She did not need to see Skylar change her jeans. Valerie instead, walked over to Skylar’s pink Razor that was resting on the white carpet by Valerie’s bed. She picked it up, and read Skylar’s text message. Hey Skylar. It’s George. Just wanted to let you know that I found a commercial for you to audition for. It is a Verizon Wireless commercial. You will be auditioning for the part of Hailey, a preppy girl who wants the coolest new phone. I will give you the script next time I see you, so be prepared to memorize! Memorize! Memorize! Danielle came form behind Valerie, holding a tube of Prada mascara. “What are you doing with Skylar’s phone?” The rays of light that came through the window grasped Dani’s wet hair, making it shine. Valerie almost threw the phone in surprise, but instead dropped it back onto the floor. “Oh, nothing.” She sat down on her bed, and set one of her pillows on her lap. Danielle shrugged. “Whatevs.” She then went back to the bathroom and continued putting on mascara. The door to the closet swung open, and Skylar came out. “Why was my phone ringing, again?” She walked over to Valerie’s bed, and sat down next to Valerie. After yawning for a few seconds, Valerie answered, and rested her head on Skylar’s shoulder. “George texted you.” Instantly, Skylar sprang up from the bed. “George? Where’s my phone?” She took a few steps forward in search of her phone. Thank you so much for reading it. FWI, I have never read the Clique books, actually. I am going to start reading them though. So, I guess thats a good thing! =) I actually have written my book up until chapter six. So, Jessa, if you want, email me. I think I have my email available on my profile!!

Wow, I thought that was really good! I think you have talent in writing..if you ever write more please some how let me know! Also I love the name Skylar very nice :) Have a good day, and never stop writing :D
Jessa  |  Read more

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